His companion was large. Larger than life. An amazing presence, the will of steel, and a right hand slap that matched.
“I agree. It must be saved,” the professor said, solemnly.
“Your boys can do it,” his companion replied, in a deep, commanding voice, half as a question, and half as a statement.
He nodded in agreement, then walked past the stern faced figure. Gently, Broom knocked on the large tank, waking up a merman from his slumber.
“Abe, son. I have a mission for you boys.”
Abe Sapien, the Fish Man with psychic powers, opened his eyes and looked out from his tank. Reading the thoughts of the two figures, he simply nodded, and swam away to find the exit from his watery home. Broom then walked towards his desk, and hit a button, initiating a loud siren and setting off a series of red flashing lights throughout the whole complex.
“Well, then,” Broom’s companion concluded. “I will just have to get some reinforcements…”
Broom watched his companion exit his library, moving backwards and never losing sight of the crucifix. He was amazed that a nun could move that way, almost as if she was hovering a few inches above the ground.
Hellboy came rushing into Broom’s library. He had obviously been surprised by the alarm, and didn’t even have a chance to get all of his clothes on. He hopped in on one leg as he pulled his pants on. The ground shook as he did so.
Broom looked at him, disapprovingly.
“Hey, Pops! What’s up?”
Broom looked at him as any disapproving father would. Although it was hard to notice the bright red lipstick on his bright red face, Broom did. He handed him a tissue and made a gesture towards his son, telling him to clean himself up.
“Am I disturbing you, Hellboy?”
“Yes, but she’ll get over it…”
“I am glad you didn’t come in here like that while Sister Mary was still here.”
“You think she hasn’t seen someone caught in the act before?”
“Oh, I am sure she has,” Abe said, as he walked into the room, a towel thrown over his shoulder. “She runs an orphanage with teenage boys, after all.”
Hellboy buttoned up his pants and wiped his face clean.
“What’s up, Pop?”
Broom sighed deeply. He knew he couldn’t control his son’s sexual appetite. He just hoped that Hellboy’s girlfriend Liz didn’t find out. That would really cause trouble. With a deep sigh, he began to explain.
“Well, it seems that there is an evil demon that is causing a lot of havoc among fanfiction writers.”
Abe and Hellboy both groaned.
“Fanfic writers!” Abe said, enthusiastically. His big black eyes seemed to light up, as he raised his webbed hands and looked around. It looked as if he was trying to get vibes out of the air.
“Crap,” Hellboy mumbled under his breath.
“What was that, son?”
“Uh, so, are you telling us we have to go down to the Fanfiction employment agency and get jobs?”
“No son. It’s worse than that…” Broom turned around and picked up a brochure on his desk. He handed it over to the boys.
“What the hell is this?” Hellboy said.
“Ooooh! Cinderella’s Castle!” Abe said, almost as excited as a 12 year old girl would be.
“That’s right, Abe,” Broom said. “There are rumors that Disney has bought out one of the major Fanfiction Websites.”
“So what?” Hellboy said, tossing the brochure at a very excited Abe.
“It’s your job to save that site from certain Doom…”
Abe Sapien looked at the brochure and cocked his head to the side.
“Hmm. Looks like we’re going to Disneyland.”
Sister Mary Stigmata stood at the doorway, scanning through the crowded room. She looked behind her, at the sign painted on the glass of the door.
“Fanlib Temporary Employment Agency”
This was the right place.
Finally spotting exactly who she was looking for, she called out to them in a deep voice.
“Come here, boys!”
Two men, dressed in black and white suits with glasses and fedoras and passed out on the floor, looked up through drunken eyes. Slowly recognizing the voice, the larger of the two rocked back and forth on his large belly until he could push himself up onto his hands and knees. He hit the other man, and said “Shit! Elwood! The Penguin!”
Opening his eyes, Elwood gathered himself together and got off the floor.
“Listen, Jake,” Elwood whispered. “Just shut the fuck up, and it’ll be ok. Don’t do what you did last time…”
Jake just brushed himself off as the two pushed through the crowd. The secretary by the phone rolled her eyes and yelled at the nun.
“I hope you take those two and clean them up! No one hires them, the way they are!”
Elwood and Jake made their way to the entrance and straightened their ties in front of the nun.
“Boys. I have a job for you two,” Sister Mary said, in an authoritative tone. “And the future of the fanfiction world depends on it.”
“Why should we care?” Jake said, rolling his eyes and blowing her off.
Without hesitation, she pulled out a ruler and hit Jake on the head.
“That’s why, man,” Elwood responded.
The Bluesmobile pulled up to the ticket booth. Elwood slammed on the brakes.
“See? What did I tell you?” Elwood said, confidently. “Chicago to Orlando in 10 minutes.”
Jake rolled his eyes and opened the door.
“So who are we supposed to be meeting here?” he asked his brother.
Elwood shrugged. “All I heard was ‘Go to Hell, boys.’
“So why are we at Disney World?”
Elwood just looked around, pointing at the plastic world around him. Typically, Jake would agree, but he wasn’t convinced.
“Nah. She didn’t say that. A nun wouldn’t say that.”
Jake repeated the words again and again. “Go to Hell, boys. Go to Hell, boys.” Finally, the figurative light bulb appeared over Jake’s head. “You motorhead! She said “Go to Hellboy’s!””
Elwood looked confused.
“You know! Hellboy? Remember? That night? Drinking on the porch?”
Elwood’s eyes lit up, and then he began to pout. He was obviously upset. Jake wasn’t sure why. It was either because Elwood thought he drove them to the wrong place, or because he remembered that he lost his girlfriend to Abe Sapien on that night he first met Hellboy.
But before he could say anything, the brothers heard the sound of chopper blades descending from the sky.
“Shit! Police?” Jake yelled, as he tried to hold his hat on his head. The two men ducked down as the chopper began to land.
“No, Jake. I don’t think so.” Jake nodded in agreement as it landed. The boys had seen enough of those in their life to tell the difference.
“Look at the Castle, Red?” the merman said, wide eyed and excited as the helicopter started to descend on the parking lot.
“Who cares? We’re here to build a better mouse trap,” Hellboy said, as he pulled out the Samaritan from his holster. He looked lovingly at the huge gun. Remembering why they rushed down to Florida, Abe looked at his partner with a concerned look.
“Um, Red, don’t you think that’s an awfully big gun to take care of a little mouse?”
“Disney’s not some little mouse, Blue,” Hellboy said, as he sucked on a cigar through the corner of him mouth. “This rodent’s bigger than Hell.”
“That big?” Abe responded, as his face turned somber.
“And they’re taking down my favorite fanfiction site,” the angry red agent said, as he stroked his weapon. “Don’t forget, if this goes through, you and me are gonna be out of jobs.”
“Crap.”
Hellboy looked at his fellow agent with a snarl. He didn’t take Abe’s lines, and he sure as hell wasn’t gonna let Abe take his.
“Sorry, Red,” Abe said, realizing his error. “I mean… Carp.”
With a skeptical look, Hellboy turned his attention to the parking lot.
“There they are.”
“Red, aren’t those the two musicians you were drinking with that weekend…”
“Don’t remind me,” Hellboy groaned, rubbing his forehead, as if he still had a hangover. “I’m still doing community service for that one.”
As the team from the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense got off the helicopter, Jake and Elwood approached.
“Hey!” Jake cried, holding his hand out in greeting. He slapped his big red friend on the shoulder. “How ya doing?”
The two men shook hands like long lost brothers. Or perhaps like long lost drinking buddies.
Elwood stood still, staring at the fish man in front of him with a subtle pout on his face. He typically didn’t hold a grudge, but the blue fish man had stolen the girlfriend of the Blues musician. Abe, sensing Elwood’s anger, calmly walked away, towards the entrance to the park. He made sure he kept in tune to Elwood, just in case.
“So, you know what’s going on?” Jake finally said to Hellboy, as the two chums walked towards the ticket booth.
“Yeah. Disney’s closing down the fanfic site.”
“Shit. No!”
“Yep,” Hellboy said, lifting his gun up to shoulder height, pointing it in the air. “And we’re here to stop it.”
“What are you going to do, man?”
“Whatever it takes.”
“Wait a minute,” Jake said, turning around to his brother. “Elwood. Start up the car.”
The tires of the Bluesmobile screeched as it made its way through the amusement park. The four men in the black and white 1974 Dodge Monaco scanned the crowds as they sped past hundreds of screaming tourists at the Epcot Center. Finally, as they almost reached the gates of the Magic Kingdom, Jake shouted.
“Look. There he is! The mouse!”
Elwood slammed on the brakes, and Hellboy immediately jumped out of the car. In one giant leap, he lunged towards the oversized mouse. They were about the same height, but it was obvious that their physically capabilities varied tremendously, as Hellboy picked the mascot up with one arm.
“Whoa, Red!” Jake said, as he called out behind him. “Don’t hurt him.”
Hellboy placed the shaken Mickey Mouse back on his feet, even though by now he could hardly stand with trembling knees.
“You’re lucky you’re dealing with some nice Catholic Boys, Squeaky!” Hellboy said to his catch.
“What’s going on?” the terrified mouse said in an exceptionally high voice.
“I hear you’re closing down our website.”
The mouse began to shake as he tried to explain.
“I don’t know where the rumors started! Disney has nothing to do with your site closing!”
“Oh, really?”
“Really!” the mouse argued.
“Well, there’s one way to tell if you’re lying. Blue, I need some of that mental magic you do…” Hellboy yelled out. Abe would just have to use his psychic powers to see what the real truth was. But there was no reply.
“Blue?”
Hellboy turned around, only to see Abe Sapien staring off into the distance. His fish lips were open, slightly, as he looked longingly at a beautiful girl.
“Ah, Crap,” Hellboy said, realizing he wasn’t getting any help anytime soon.
“Ah, man. What are you doing, Elwood?” Jake said, as he realized what Abe was looking at.
Jake ran past Abe, who still stood motionless, as if in a trance. Jake scurried, almost as if he were a mouse himself, and ran into a small grotto area of the park. There he found Elwood chatting up another Disney character. Only this one wasn’t a mouse. This one was a sexy redhead in a bikini named Ariel.
“Elwood! Would you quit it?”
“What?” Elwood asked, defensively. “I’m just talking to the, uh, lady here.”
The redhead giggled as Elwood’s grin grew wider and wider. Jake looked her up and down, and then stood in shock, realizing that Elwood had made a poor judgment call.
“Uh, Elwood, she’s got no legs.”
“But she’s hot.”
“She’s a cartoon character.”
“But she’s still hot.”
“Elwood, she’s a mermaid.”
“She’s 18, ain’t she?”
Frustrated, Jake pulled Elwood in close and whispered something in his ears. As he did, he pointed to the mermaid’s lower half and held up his thumb and index fingers in a circle. Frowning, and then pointing at her lower half, he shook his head. He described the physical limitations of any union Elwood had in mind. He decided not to explain to Elwood that it was just a costume. Jake knew he’d never get his younger brother away if he did.
“But she’s hot, man!”
“No. She’s a mermaid!” The gentle voice came from behind the brothers. “A real mermaid!”
Elwood and Jake turned around to see Abe Sapien slowly approaching the grotto, his eyes locked with Ariel’s. He slowly approached, walking past the brothers with fluid movements. Finally, he held his webbed fingers up, palm facing towards the redhead, and tried to read her.
Elwood, outdone by Abe a second time, began to sputter.
“Wha… wha….? This one, too?!”
Jake approached Abe, placed a hand on his shoulder, and whispered into his ears.
“You do realize she’s not really a mermaid?”
“Yes, Jake. I do realize that. I am psychic, after all,” Abe said, in a low voice that only the two of them could hear. “But, honestly, I just love getting your brother all worked up like this.”
Hellboy blew cigar smoke into Mickey Mouse’s face, as he held tightly onto his costume. It looked like Hellboy was grabbing onto Mickey Mouse’s skin.
“So, Mousey, this can go down easy, or it can go down real, real hard. What is the deal with Disney buying our fanfiction site?”
The big stuffed head of the Disney mascot shook wildly, from side to side, out of pure fear. Or perhaps his head shaking was a warning; a few dozen children approached the scene and watched what they thought was the show.
“Damn!”
Red heard the shout from behind him. He turned around, and saw Jake, Elwood, and Abe were all huddled together. They were looking at something in Abe’s hand.
“What’s up, Blue?”
“Damn!” The three men all cried out together. Elwood broke formation, and walked back to the Bluesmobile, with a pouting face. Jake started to throw a little tantrum, as he started to kick a few stones around and curse a little more. Abe stood motionless, as he looked at an iPhone in his webbed hands.
“Red. Red. That’s enough,” Abe finally said, as he approached Hellboy and Mickey “The Hostage” Mouse. Hellboy looked back at Abe, concerned.
“What’s wrong, Blue?”
Abe held out his iPhone. The website that they had been trying to save was on the screen.
“Thank you for your support” was all that was left. At that point, it didn’t matter who had taken the site down. It didn’t matter why. All that mattered was that the two teams were too late. They couldn’t save the site. They couldn’t even save the community of fanfiction writers who frequented the place. The fans would have to do that for themselves.
Still, it hit them like a ton of bricks that they had failed in their mission.
After a few moments, Abe finally broke the silence.
“Let’s go, Red. There’s no more we can do here.”